The basics of attachment parenting

During pregnancy, the baby moves with the mother’s body, in tune with the working of her mother’s body. She grows and thrives, and receives sustenance from her mother. They grow closer together as the mother becomes attuned to her baby’s movements, and the child also adjusts. Birth is a natural separation of mother and child. The important factor, when practicing attachment parenting though, is to make sure that the break is not abrupt. It is natural that the mother keeps her newborn baby close to her, and continues to love and nurture her outside her body as she did within it. In Creative Parenting, William Sears, a pediatrician and well-known author defines attachment parenting as "an uninterrupted, nurturing relationship, specifically attuned to a child's needs as he passes from one developmental stage to the next."

So how does a mother achieve the uninterrupted, nurturing relationship that will put her in tune with her child?

Baby wearing

Becoming empathetic to your child

Dr. Elliott Barker is a Canadian psychiatrist and the Director of the Canadian Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children describes attachment parenting as having two facets: Being willing and able to put yourself in your child's shoes in order to correctly identify his/her feelings and being willing and able to behave toward your child in ways, which take those feelings into account.

Imagine that you are a small child, learning about the world. It’s by turns exciting and scary, familiar and new. There are people who love and whom you love back, and new people whom you don’t know at all. You are learning to do things, and sometimes you fail, but at other times you succeed. However, most of the time, you cannot communicate your feelings and fears, because you don’t know how to. That is a glimpse of a child’s world. The challenge for you as a parent is to put yourself in your child’s shoes. If you did not have a voice, and could not communicate your daily challenges, how would you feel? If you were faced with daily challenges and learning experiences, and you did not have the experience and the knowledge of how to solve these challenges, what would you do?

Breastfeeding

Another key feature of attachment parenting is breast-feeding your child. Breast milk is the most natural food available for a child. Breastfeeding times also provide the time for mother and child to reconnect.

Breastfeeding remains a controversial issue for many reasons. The central point to this issue is that mothers work outside the home, bringing the much-needed income. Also, a breastfed child is dependent on her mother for nourishment, which means that the mother cannot be away from her child for an extended period of time. Another issue regarding breastfeeding is that parents are unsure about when it is a good time to wean a baby. Attachment parenting advocates believe that children grow at their own pace. When your child is ready to abandon the breast, she will let you know. Interesting enough, that may be sooner than most people would expect.

The family bed

For decades, one of the most basic issues governing sleeping arrangements is that the baby has her own nursery. Respected parenting experts were adamant that sleeping with a child was unhealthy and passively abusive. Parents were told that letting the child sleep in the nursery would enable her to sleep more soundly, uninterrupted; will not be in danger of being suffocated (parents could roll onto the baby) and will not develop an unhealthy dependency on her mother. What these experts ignore is that, Western society's deviance from the still-widespread practice of sleeping with children was a relatively recent development. Only 150 years ago in the United States, it was generally assumed that young children would sleep with their parents or other relatives. Most families could not afford separate sleep quarters for everyone in the household. Additionally, co-sleeping was a reliable way to make sure that the youngest family members stayed warm.

Mothers who sleep with their baby can quickly change a wet nappy or feed the child, without the child spending too long crying for attention. You don’t have to get out of your warm bed to take care of your baby either!

One of the key issues raised by attachment parenting opponent is about the marital relationship. Is it to be ousted out of the bedroom? Are the children in danger of becoming sexualised while they are still young? And when will the child leave the marital bed? Is the family bed going to become a feature in a married couple’s lives until the child becomes a teenager?

Attachment parenting advocates say that taking the marital relationship out of the bed, to other venues in the house makes it spontaneous and exciting. They believe that children are not in danger of becoming sexualised, as any sensible parent knows not to bring sex into a child’s life at an early age.

Independence

One of the concerns regarding attachment parenting is that the baby may become too close to her mother, and with the child’s growth towards independence being stunted. Every loving and responsible mother wants her child to grow to become a well-adjusted, fully functional member of society. That is why mothers who practice attachment parenting also encourage their children towards independence.

Children need no pressure to grow into adult people. They need a patient, gentle presence. Your child may take longer than societal norms dictate to become more independent, or she may turn out to be an old woman waiting to face life’s challenges. What is needed from a mother to learn and understand what her child needs and to provide for that need? What they will not need is our forcing them into growth, nor will they need our pulling them from it wilfully. It is a delicate dance, of careful attention but of resilient flexibility. A mother attuned to her child will be able to read her child’s cues much more accurately, and respond to them.

In conclusion, you should remember that the key factor when you are trying to find the best way to raise your child is to ask yourself, ’what is the best option for my child? What will provide the most nurturing and loving environment in which she can grow?’