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Surviving an abusive relationship, be it a physical or emotionally abusive relationship is a feat unto itself. But finally garnering the courage to leave the abuser and begin anew is a move worthy of adulation. It is excessively difficult to make the break with the abuser, in spite of the fact that in many cases we have grown to despise them. Generally the abused partner will have such a low self esteem that they will think they cannot cope without the abuser to make important decisions (‘I am too stupid’), that they will not find someone else to love them (‘I am too fat/ugly/etc.’), or that they won’t be able to survive (‘I am alone because I am too useless, and my family hates me’). All these, are psychological power games that the abuser plays, some are conscious and some are not, but the game is still played. If you are reading this I am going on the assumption that you have already left the abuser and are starting on your life anew.
I found when I left my abuser that the only way I could describe what I had gone through, and begin to deal with it, instead of ignoring the abuse and it’s effects was to write. You don’t need to make sense, just write down incidents that come to mind. Things the abuser said to you, that made you feel so incredibly bad, as well as things they may have done, times you felt alone, isolated and afraid. Writing can be cathartic, especially when you look back in a year or two’s time, and you will be able to say that you had the courage and strength to live through that! Surround yourself with friends. You will probably find that you didn’t talk much to people around you when you were being abused, and in fact you probably withdrew as much as possible from those in your life. Now is the time to talk. Tell the people in your life what you went through, and allow them to share in your pain as well as the triumph of having finally left. It can make people uncomfortable to hear about certain instances, in which case find a good support network, whether it is a friend, relative or counseling group. Your local shelter will be able to help you find a decent counselor or support group. Talking heals, but at the same time a professional counselor will be able to help you build your self esteem as well as build your new life. Friends are very close to the situation, and as such their advice is often jaundiced by personal beliefs and frames of reference, so get a professional to help you deal with your past, and its effects on your future.
Get angry. How dare the swine have treated you like that? How dare you have let him? Remember that it is all right and perfectly natural to want to punch the abusers lights out, however only in theory; in practice you can’t do it as you may hurt your fist! Punch pillows, shout, scream, but work the anger out, and NEVER ever blame yourself for what happened. In fact quite the opposite, begin congratulating yourself on having survived and finally gotten yourself, and if you have children, them, out of a potentially fatal situation. Start doing things that you enjoy, and that you are good at. This will help build your confidence in yourself as well as your self-esteem.
Your children, no matter how small, will have been affected by the abuse. This does not mean that you are a bad parent, in just means that they will need help dealing with their anger at you, the abuser, and the situation. Professional play therapy or counseling, depending on the age, is advised. Do not for one moment think your kids didn’t realize what was going on, they are not stupid, and children tend to hear and see a lot more than we think they do. Talk to your children, let them know that their anger is acceptable and justified, and help them deal with it as well as the separation from that person. Remember that no matter what that person did to you, the chances are good that your child still loves the abuser dearly and is battling with feelings of guilt and betrayal because they do not want to hurt you.
Try not to rush into a new relationship, even though suddenly having a new person on the scene, flattering you and paying positive attention to you can be heady, try and give yourself time to adjust to life as a single person, before tying your identity to a new person. Learn to love yourself, for yourself before you love yourself because someone else does too! Read Patricia Evans books, as they will help you gain more insight into yourself as well as the reasons you may have fallen for an abuser.
Most survivors of abuse break all contact with the abuser. This, obviously is recommended, however if you have children with them and need to still be in contact there are a few safety precautions you should take:
Get an Officer of the Court to set up regular weekends if they are in the agreement. Specify a time and place to exchange the children and make it away from your home. Do not let the abuser fetch the children from your home if at all possible.
Do not be alone with the abuser at any time, even if your children are around.
Train your kids to use the emergency numbers and help them learn your home address and phone number.
Do not let family and friends pressurize you into returning to the abuser. Some may, their parents for example might try to minimize the damage the abuser did to you, or justify their actions. There is no justification so do not be browbeaten into returning to a hopeless situation. You are a strong person, worth more than anything the abuser could possibly offer you, so don’t return to them for any reason, the next time they hit you, could be your last.
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